Sometimes story of creation of composition can be interesting and even be more gripping than written. Many times I was thinking on telling behind of Tales on Wanderings. Few times I began to print a text, but I felt that I’m not supposed to do it and I deleted it. I didn’t see necessity and mostly because it was in one novella, which returned to a passed point. I began to feel bad and my head became heavy. But these feelings weren’t strong today. I thought that I must write, because if I will lucky – I don’t want questions on this novella and not only. Moreover, I see a need to express about one detail in that written. So, let me tell this and other story of Tales on Wanderings.
A manuscript, which I’ve burnt (part 1).
I wrote it in times when I was forging myself in writing as I looked back years later. A good conception came to me and plot easily was imagined. It was a smooth writing. A detective part is asking long thinking, but I instantly had solutions in movement of this line. I don’t think that I consciously understood at all in that I write more than twisted story, I also show people in dictatorship. I had greatly knowledge on despotic states. I used real countries from which I created a fiction one. That gave freedom for own fantasy of peculiarities of authoritarian state.
I was pleased by creating a wonderful story for long time. Despite I was writing with looking on a map, learning details as since that I can call a name of station of capital of my fiction authoritarian state and names and last names for characters were written with reading respective dictionaries, I had feeling that I don’t know in details mentality and characteristics in using real nations. Eventually, I decided to delete written.
A manuscript, which I didn’t intend to write.
I wasn’t so diligent in aspiring to evade army imprisonment. I needed (or still need?) say to myself that I mustn’t keep to relax mode. Nevertheless, I had excuses for stay away, which I could use until 2013. After deprivation of that protection I was eligible for army imprisonment for three years. I saw variants that I can become a deputy what would gave an absolute protection, but I never wanted to disgrace myself by taking post in dictatorship. Very hard to be a moralist in such state. I probably wouldn’t be there anymore if I wouldn’t keep to these principles, but I feel all right myself after all that. I couldn’t escape, therefore I was directed on check of variable doctors on the second floor who always wanted to make you healthy even you have serious sores. If stand with letters in ophthalmologist room for passing on driving license situates, probably, in two dozen meters from you and whole premise is dimly lighted while this cabinet in military enlistment office is the most lightest in whole building and distance between you and stand in few steps. I could convince psychologist by saying on fear of height and uncertainty of coming of unknown or something similar to that. The last was a factor, because one of military worker hopelessly asked in the next time “Didn’t that stance gone?” I was directed on additional checks in filling tests and then I purposely failed a treadmill. After that, I was sent to asylum for two weeks. Their document was deliverance from army imprisonment. Few years later, I could pass tests, which I had there, again and rid from given status. Unfortunately, interference and vice versa changing by communists who constantly suppressed my wish to make own decisions (I always fought for that.) as that with job, do in own way and I always was humiliated by them. They’re architects of my damnation. These people gave flaws to mine personality, which I still try to eradicate. Before I returned in office of military enlistment, I had in that time, which was winter, an opportunity with emigration to America, but these communists cut it – that was a first mistake. Send me to army became the second. I know stories when people lost health for evade army. I had a blessed variant. However, I was visiting doctors on the second floor again, but it caused another turning point for me. A confusion with queues caused chaos, which I wanted to justify whereas it ended that all sides were unhappy to mine wish in bringing order and it was close to fight. I always knew that the biggest part of nation are rabble, but mine principles of moralist said then that dictatorship mustn’t exist. That situation caused to rejection of that nation.
Mine imprisonment had reserve form. I was supposedly to visit that place three times, but my lying in hospital created an additional term, which I spent before the last. I knew whole inside of army in theory. A practice only was giving confirmation of learnt. I was situating in limited space, which was exclusion zone with own rules and rites. Forests, houses and life outside perceived as other world, which, I knew, was a big exclusion zone. I experienced craziness of limitation of movement when I was in asylum. Army imprisonment repeated experience, but it was absolutely caged stance.
The second term in fifty-eight days was the longest. Probably, I could go to extreme acts if I would be incarcerated on year or year with half. Israel army, which has a conscription, has Wednesday as weekend for everybody (of course, some part stays for security.). It relaxes for repetitiveness of every day and frowning surrounding. Every soldier has stimulus in anticipating of that day while the next week will be same for me. I was surrounded by rabble with whom usually can’t make interesting conversations. I experienced return to school. An ideology major for whom I was a personal target for reeducation (in which he will deeply fail.) was thirty-five years old, had four-year old daughter and he converted all stages of artillery gun shooting into sexual form personally for me. Many times in morning when squad left a tent, I said “another day in Paradise”. I was asking myself “Why am I here?” One man in squad (he was of that little of all right people there.) spoke to me that, maybe, I have a mission. I was agree with him and kept before to that thought. I hadn’t proper plan and I should learnt before what caused me to that additional term. Eventually, mine unbearable perception to almost two months period ended with meeting with a head of whole military facility what made me curious for me. I, as marquise de Custine, looked on these savages from research point of view. I talked with him and sometimes other senior staff. A head military admitted that I have “an individual point of view” – it was proudly for me in a land of zombies. That colonel said that he decides in everything. He said that I willn’t leave. That was the third mistake.
Never blame a shaman, because he can curse you. Same relating with artist. Especially, if he was put in hunger stance. I hadn’t an extreme situation, but it was outside of comfort zone. I was woken up in a middle of night for two hours of throwing wood into stoves. I had more satisfaction with that. And I was fine with other things such as waking up at five o’clock. I opened eyes before hearing a scream of soldier. I was in tent with a raw wood on a third term what caused to trembling of all us when we were leaving outside. Once I spent night in forest. It was tension for me, because I didn’t feel safety. A summer and I was nearby of bonfire, but the night was cold. I was waking up sometimes. That was until one guy said on my turn to follow for bonfire. Imprisonment put in some kind of conscience, which was of mad. I adapted to it after meeting with warden. I could burn days. Once I compared that with island where a trapped person is forced to do same things every day. This though will become a first piece of puzzle to which I will find all details. My incarceration ceased to be silent on this country. If that person and nation are abysmal – I express that. I openly told to army officers many things on what I think about their structure. Of course, I was with mind and I wouldn’t say such things if that would be years of Jugashvili tyranny. Nevertheless, surrounded madness ambience conceived a novella in which I was going to write a truth about this rotten country. I never wanted to devote into plot have central attention to that state, but a story was likeable for me.
They made another mistake by keeping longer me there, because my story was becoming better. In one day of the third term a strong wind suddenly came from nowhere. Unfortunately, my organism wasn’t strong anymore due to that the man, who made accident with me, deprived an opportunity to visit gym, which long absence had influence. I got sick. I wanted to hide it, because that would extend this imprisonment term. However, past of this country bases on snitching. Many people lied on anti-government activity of neighbor for getting of his apartments in Jugashvili times. That society is pathological, because if you report on crime – everybody call you a snitch. These people consider themselves as law-abiding if you do something right against rotten order or give justice. So, one person, as I call “of people who populated GULAG”, reported on me. I extended mine caged presence on five days. I wanted to prevent by offering that I will take pills in tent, but I talked with robot as usual. Eventually, I spent one hundred fifty days in calculation of all four terms. I had elaborated a whole story for novella. But that scene with instrumental melody, which playing on accordion I heard in Roman park months ago and I was surprised to hear it, came in penultimate day of third term.
The last term of imprisonment ended on point caused by dealing with rabble who harassed me for views what wasn’t impressive for me, because I familiar with that since school – their winning, as they thought, point was in using offenses, I told actual winning, which was in facts, but rabble was devoted in themselves and didn’t listen at all though it was useless talk with slaves. That situation made me to keep stronger with my views. And there I came to let it fall into abyss. I saw, there is nobody to save. There is no morality. I wanted to write with a hope in “Review of the year” initially, but the fourth term turned my mind to ultimate reality. I will admit in future this point of view was fated for me. Evil is evil. I never was of them. I can write now that I sent incognito letters to this military facility and ministry of defense many years later by saying their truth. I promised to the last that I will join against their nation in case of war with the West by donating little offensive sums of money and I will seek that my name will be written on launching missiles. It was September 2015 when mine imprisonment ended and I ran away from there.
It possible that sometimes you can create a piece, which meaning you can understand time later. That I had with this novella whose protagonist I consider as a Byronic hero by circumstance (a reader who knows characteristic of Byronic hero sees more in mine personage.). I was describing his different stances, which I will reveal that his adventure is journey to civilization. There was nothing in beginning, then appeared sounds and they combined and created civilization. Once again, I, as an artist, understand a dislike on define genre, but I precisely say that the novella can call as “social drama” and “chernuha”. People say on hard to read twenty pages in beginning due to describing. I wasn’t amused in writing them and same was in editing, but true artist is a person who can write an uncomfortable. I intended to give image of reality.
I had on mind a scene where a main hero witnesses burning balcony in a house, but perceives with same apathy. I decided that has no necessity to include it and keep to everyday stance.
Once I wrote that songs create scenes. Music of “Я хочу быть с тобой” (I want to be with you) by Nautilus Pompilius coincides for ambience of sequence in a town in which sets. In a place beginning with “In a room with white ceiling…” matches when a lead character enters in own apartment, which has feeling of shrine.
I never thought on origin of buildings when I was writing. Later a thought came to me that some noble person from centuries ago wanted to build a town, but shipwrecking circumstances made cancellation to his plans. So, that’s what happened.
I only began implementation in April 2016, because I always needed to push myself. And, usually, when I start, I can’t stop. I completed writing in May of the next year, which was period with that country.
A manuscript, which I’ve burnt (part 2).
I never saw sense in phrase “manuscripts don’t burn” which from Bulgakov’s Master and Margarita. I understand it’s metaphorical meaning, but literally – they burn. I was recalling mine manuscript which I eliminated. Eventually, I thought that it’s conception is wonderful as it was in beginning. Even if a hard drive was the only place where I would kept this written, I know on programs, which can retrieve from a trash bin. But I remember that I gave to read and it stored on old e-mail to which I still knew password. It was a complete version, which I downloaded six years later since I wrote this novella. I pulled out it from fire. I was surprised by that it is more than readable. It has wonderful narrating. These scenes of when action occurs behind… ok, I’ll finish with this egoism (though who else can write such review?). As can understand, I was exciting by own written.
Since then, I knew excellent about Eastern Europe and happening events indicated that I wrote a corrected story. A funny thing, which I had on mind before, that I have more common with one character with whom I was more disagree in time of creating. I was horrified by thinking what I did with novella years ago. I perceived with other eyes and I absolute felt meaning of the final sentence to which I gave a drop of attention in a past. The novella required a very little editing, but I only one year later, in 2021, set out for that. I made so tiny minor changes with a plot as I added one sport record, which mentions one character by saying that this detail can’t be found in his biography. This background extends and discloses more about his personality.
A novella’s title on original language has one definition while, when I translated it, I saw two meanings in English and both are precisely describe my composition.
Now I finished with everything.